Obscene And Me

This is dedicated to someone who recently passed away. He was an acquaintance in the local music scene. He told me his secret, that he sees sex workers. He wanted to see me but he couldn’t afford it. If he had never told me that he saw sex workers, I would’ve just hung out with him and probably would have sex with him for free.

I feel terrible. Has this work made me value material items too much? Have I got lost in it all? I was lower middle class growing up and flat out poor from age 18-22. I feel like I have abandoned my true punk roots.

Your ghost interrupts my dreams

you haunt every part of my being

Paralytic desire of a rumination

Come when you don’t make sense

The nuisance of the adjacent

Your secrets die with you

And I for one, will never tell

My secrets die with you,

And you for one

Will never tell

Un-Reality

Looking out, I can’t seem to find

Any sort of peace of mind

Teeth grind, and mind winds

Surely they’ll be a time when everything’s sublime

With life comes suffering

With life comes hope

With life comes that wrecking feeling that one will never be able to cope

The tunnel seems to close and death the only answer

A glimpse of light shines through, it’s a reach away but is always chased

Race to the finish and you’ll only diminish

Resilience For None (My Valentine)

Resilience, I’m done

A year of dates and money made

A year of hate and my stomach aches

Give me beauty

Give me space

Give me a misrepresented face

I cant say that I ever thought I’d be so alone

But I’m here

I’ll make it my home

Your Yes’ and No’s

I never know when to say yes or no at the right time

I was never taught to say no

There’s a misunderstanding about acceptance

Inside there’s the primary voice that everyone has. Our thoughts that we know are there

Then there’s that other voice after that. Like another layer of the subconscious. The voice isn’t talking but it’s there. Like a whisper. It’s not vocalized but it’s there. And only sometimes does one realize it. It’s usually dark thoughts. Hidden thoughts. They’re not apart of you. Or so you think

Those thoughts are you.

They don’t define you

Never know

Whether to be born

Or to die

Phase 3, Stage 1

The trees are starting to yellow.

They were so so green just a couple months ago

speckles of lavender flowers mixed with yellow green leaves

fasten their pace

let the leaves join the race

I bet he’d know

I just don’t want to ask him

The humorous notion That accurately predicting human behavior was once not possible

The instant realization that in about 60 years someone will be laughing at a concept that I once thought to be so solid

I load every bowl with fury

I take every puff with spite

Just got hit with the news

Defensive dehumanization

Perspective play

Partner up

Partner in

Partner down

Partner around

define and conquer

The kind of closeness you feel when you look at the wound on your lovers foot and realize its healing more and more each time you see them

A friend who turned into the ghost of their past self

Eat chocolate, steak, masturbate

See

Spots

Run

I see you smile when you think I’m not looking

Do you feel empty? Do you feel like I do?

You could have me if you wanted to

Boys Are Boys and Girls Are Choice

Boys boys boys boys boys boys boys

Is there any way to get over your masculinity?

We engage in the purest passion and I’m feeling like an emotional assassin

I want to make it with you

I want to take it from you

My hearts not your tool

Pussy is not your toy

I’ll sit and watch the moon go on without you

I’m alone, never alone, what are you?

Faux Lovers

Just for a second,

I wasn’t a sex worker or escort

Just for a second,

I was a regular girl. What they don’t realize is that yes, I am a regular person

It’s unnerving to tell someone new that you’re a sex worker

I’ve refrained from telling someone I’ve just met about my work in order to see if they will accept it once they get to know me better. Rather than telling them before we meet because they may already have a stigma in their head

I want real love too. I want raw emotions and true passion.

Late night smoking and short trips to the gas station.

3am incoherent eyes, deep sighs

Cigarettes ashes, flies. I could love you till the day I die

Fuck Me in Quarantine

A man in his mid sixties says “if this is the end, then I wanna go out having sex”. He was a very large man. Maybe 350 or 400 pounds. He was kind and gentle. Put my payment on the table and talked about things going on.

“I heard we’re going into lockdown”.

“I was walking my dog earlier and thought I needed to change things up a bit”

I’m glad he did, very glad. I put my payment in my backpack and sprayed Lysol throughout my room. Washed my hands and posted more ads.

“I have to make $2000 more”, I think to myself.

My regular job closed down until April so I need to make my bill money.

Gotta survive, honey.

I am I

“I am selfless I”

I quit my retail job and I, I feel even better I.

I sat down and cried but afterword I felt even better, dry.

To live is to suffer but sex work gives life the buffer.

How long will this last?

No more than 10 years but alas, I’ll make the time mean something. I might be single forever but I’ll make it all mean something

My one true lover believes me to be nothing

He is my everything but it’s not me he’s seeing

Sex work is dangerous. It’s dangerous and not worth it.

It’s worth it I swear. I have 20k up in the air.

No college degree, no man holding me down. In the south with my dog and cats.

It’s lonely, it’s loathing, it’s unnerving, it’s the yearning. Sex work is my work. It might kill me but it’s my work.

My Pussy My Choice

Isn’t it lovely when you confide in someone about your sex work and they judge you and say it’s disguisting?! I have sex with random gross men for money. Honey!!! I did the same thing before I was a sex worker but the difference was it was for free on tinder! Sweetheart! You fucked me too so are you one of them?

Darling!!! How dare you.

Oh dear! Don’t let jealousy get to you!

Sugar!!

My pussy my choice my body my voice applies to a lot these days….

On The Way Up

On the way up and the front desk lady says, “have a good night”.

On the way up and I’m wondering how I can make everything less awkward. I’m very tired but I drank some coffee before hand. I knock on door 104. Wow hello. It’s quite pleasant. We talk for 40 minutes. We get to doing the dirty which took only 20 mins. Then we talk for 15 more mins. No, I didn’t charge him for an hour and half. I should’ve but eh, it’s okay really. He’s very respectful and was telling me his experiences with sex workers. It wasn’t that I was attracted to him or anything but it was nice to talk to someone about the job and the dangers. Sometimes I’m lonely. A lot of the time actually. I wonder if sex work is making my heart hard. Whatever. It’s worth it anyway.